In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
