I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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