If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
