I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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