I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
