The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
