You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
