This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
