my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
