Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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