Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
