Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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