just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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