none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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