Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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