I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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