I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize