Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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