Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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