I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
