If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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