so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
