but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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