just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
