1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize