I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
