I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
