When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
