hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
