Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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