just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
