sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
