is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
