i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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