He uses pillows to masturbate.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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