I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
