Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
