He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
