Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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