They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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