She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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