Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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