it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
