come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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