Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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