what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She bit a glass in half.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize