i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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