I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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