Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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