we're chasing vodka with high fives
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
