my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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