So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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