as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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