a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize