i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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