apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
