He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
