I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
