So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
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