Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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