The best revenge is premature balding
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
