oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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