I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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