hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize