My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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