I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
