plz talk dirty to me
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Randomize
