Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
