you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize