I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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