I am spending my child support on dildos
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
