I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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