Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
