the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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