Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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