I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
